"It's complicated..." - Reimagining Vaulting the Sea (Hai)

    Taoyu’s watery eyes were my sole focus at this one moment. Rimmed with red waterlines, they stared back into mine. What I wanted was nothing more than to comfort him in his state of vulnerability; to be the big brother I promised to be for him all those years back. I knew this was definitely the hardest thing he’s dealt with, the loss of his person, his mother to who he had this immense attachment. And for him to lose her without having known it until now, just days before our most crucial diving event, caused me to worry despite doing my best to stay calm and composed. There was a brief moment between us as I held him in my embrace; repeating that it was gonna be alright. Then it hit me.

    His salty kiss intertwined our lips, causing pure emotion to fill my lungs and dazed my responses as it lasted all-around a couple of seconds. But it felt so wrong; this wasn’t what I was here for him for! Was it? What was this supposed to mean, had he always seen me in such a way? No, I couldn’t sort this out, this was too much for me right now.

    Pushing him away slightly, I plastered a mock expression of composure and switched the conversation back to diving, in hopes this incident could be brushed off. Looking back into Taoyu’s crushed spirits, his eyes looking up lost at me, I knew deep inside I would never stop thinking about it. 

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    The thought never washed away, even when Ning confronted me years later about my standing in our relationship. And I found myself questioning if I was ever really in love with her; was I even here for love anyway? Ugh! The thoughts swirled endlessly on loop, reminding me of my eternal indecision of what hopes I ever had for my goals or future in the first place! I was supposed to be a world-class diver, and make it to the Olympic-standing level, or at least that’s what my parents drilled into my skull many years ago. How purely disappointed they would be if they saw me now. 

“Are you and Taoyu harboring some sort of secret love for each other?” Ning remarked.

I didn’t answer.

“Forget it, it’s probably not that way at all. Maybe we shouldn’t continue to see each other, though. Maybe I’ll speak to Taoyu directly and see how he feels about me,” she went on. 

    Just like that, she was gone, following in Taoyu’s footsteps. I chuckled sadly to myself. She would never be able to elicit something she wants to hear from him, I knew that much.

    And even though our hearts beat the same melody through the waters, afloat Taoyu and I were never really the same.

    He knew what he wanted, I did not. I was a fool to blindly dive into a future that wasn’t mine, to begin with. What was expected of me was of the same nature as was to Taoyu, and I still think back to when everything changed for the both of us.

    When we’d made it to the Olympic qualifier, together, It should have been the moment we had both been working towards all our lives. I thought we’d both had this partner bond, this passion for diving, and that this was just the first scope of our professional lives. But as I glanced back at Taoyu, his demeanor had long since changed. Was it the first time I had noticed that he was no longer excited to prepare on the board? Was I too absorbed with what came next to fully realize I had no true spark of joy within me either? Or perhaps, maybe I did know all along that I never truly enjoyed diving either, so why was I still prepared to count down from 3? I wonder what could have happened the day I was left on my own under the surface. And thinking back to it now, I wish I could’ve had the same courage to leave sooner, the courage to walk away with him, side by side.